Been there....
Like you, my life has also been touched by many hardships
I came from a typical and dysfunction family that "looked" normal with:
Just hang on!
mental illness in several family members
a highly negative and blaming alcoholic parent
my other parent committing suicide
many generations of dyslexia and attention deficit
the loss of many close family members and friends to cancers
many generations of alcoholism
a lonely childhood, plagued by low esteem and self doubts
betrayals by people I believed were close friends
divorce from my first love
And I had so many health issues:
a "sensitive" stomach, bloating, acid reflux, constant constipation
chronic nasal congestion and almost year round "hay fever" to anything airborne
pounding tension headaches to excruciating migraines
dysplastic hip joints and degenerative spinal disc disease that contributed to loss of articular cartilage and early onset osteoarthritis and myalgia
survived many horse riding falls with severe injuries that contributed further to my debilitating and painful muscular and skeletal disorders
evaluated and told by two rheumatologists at age 40 that I would need hip replacement surgery in five to ten years (NOT!)
My anger helped me to protect myself while hiding all the hurts I felt.
During my first 40 years of life, I convinced myself that I was very successful in making the best of all these unfortunate situations.
Yet I became an uncomfortable physical "mess" that was immobile, barely able to walk.
Even though I had been medically diagnosed and labeled with real limiting physical ailments, it was not pharmaceuticals or surgery that healed me.
Those choices did not feel right for me and I rejected them as only a last recourse.
I realized that throughout my life, I constantly avoided conflicts and settled for constricting situations that left me feeling stuck.
I had immobilized myself.
I spent my life being proudly practical, disguising or suppressing my emotions while I worried circles around all possible future pitfalls.
I had focused so much of my energies on avoiding what I feared might happen, I was actually experiencing the very life I was trying to prevent.
Stop judging yourself through the eyes of others.
You are awesome as you are!
I took responsibility for how I was restricting my own life
I started making my daily self care a priority
I learned to stop worrying (over and over again!) about how NOT to make mistakes
I realized that I took on the negative outlooks of others' judgements without question
I learned to unplug and give up the victim stories of my past
I learned to bring awareness and love to my old persistent and lingering hurts and wounds
I learned that in forgiving others, I had to also forgive myself
I learned to find appreciation and gratitude in the present, no matter what is happening
Love Yourself First and Everything Else Falls into Place.
Lucille Ball
